Monday, March 14, 2011

The Dom/Sub Dance

I'm imagining something like a high school dance, only much, much naughtier.

            A reader recently asked me about dominance in couples in which both partners are submissive.
            Well, somebody’s gotta take the reins, eh?
            I commiserate, friends, as I personally have gotten into many an awkward dominance dance with a paramour. I struggle when he holds me down --- he eases off. I get off on the struggle so now it’s no fun. I droop so that he may hold me down again --- but now he thinks I don’t want it or that I’m about to flip on top and make him call me “mommy.”
            It’s a tough dance to dance when both partners want to do the same part. 

Almost as tough as the sprinkler.

            But fear not! Your sex life has many a dance in store!
            For most people, domination/submission is primarily a mind-game. You must actually feel safe with your partner (or else you’re a domestic abuse case). However, in the life of the game you are vulnerable and helpless, even if one fell tug could set you free from that makeshift scarf binding. Or you’re powerful beyond control, and your victim is your lover, though a snap of the whip later they are merely your husband whom you need to remind for the third time to water the plants.
            So, while I’m primarily submissive, I sometimes need to engage a submissive partner to get the dynamic to work for both of us. They may be holding me down, but I’m the one yelling the orders --- tie me up! Tighter! --- or calling them demeaning names in a desperate (but failed, in my elaborate fantasy) attempt at escape – you little fucker! You think you can control me? (less swearing or more dirty talk per your discerning taste).
            Another way to work the dynamic is to take positions of power and make them submissive (this may be obvious to you, who knows? I don’t exactly scream my kinks from the non-internet hills).  I love girl on top for its sweet g-spot action but not for its unyielding reins. But if I’m in that position and I lean forward and my lover holds my hands behind my back, I’m suddenly both powerful and submissive. I can bite and scream and hold down, but am held down myself. Same thing for sitting on a guy’s face --- I’m in control until he holds my thighs down (or even ties me down in the position) and suddenly we’re both helpless (just make sure the guy can breathe!). 

That's one way to go about it I suppose.

            In the end, BDSM is nothing without your mindset. Why not take control over BDSM by taking control of your mindset? After all, the only way to be helpless is not to be strapped to a bed with a leather-clad mistress atop of you. Rev up your imagination --- remember that the scene in your mind can be different than that in your partner’s mind --- and get off.

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