When I made it out of the Babeland store with this neon masterpiece (neé Brigit), my friend’s immediate response was, “you’re fucking Barney!”
And thus, my newest toy was christened. While I don’t fantasize about everyone’s least favorite neighborhood dinosaur, the giant purple wang was disturbingly fitting of the namesake. It even has scales on its shaft, which are supposedly reminiscent of a sexy merman but really just confirm the fact that I’m banging a childhood nightmare.
I’m also not particularly fond of mermen, nor can I even begin to imagine how this colored schlong would fit into the whole tail equation. Is it retractable? Can they take the tail off, like pants?
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| scales are so sexy. |
None of this matters, though. As established by the butterfly kiss, I don’t care if it looks like a friggin’ unicorn diving into a pot of rainbows, so long as it gets me off.
And Barney knows how to get me off.
To start, he is quite well-endowed, both length- and girth-wise. A size queen I am not (although this one’s definitely for you if you are), but I’ve always been rather tight and I like being able to practice realistic penile penetration, not just the wimpy shaft of the butterfly kiss. And the length is great no matter how deep (or not) you want it.
He also has a soft silicone finish, hilariously labeled “mermaid skin.” Truly, its material brings out the nuanced differences between human and merman penis.
The motor rumbles through the entire length of the toy, which is great for trying out new positions. Obviously you can only stick it in you one way, but it becomes a great clit/lips teaser when placed, say, horizontally along the length of your vulva. Stick it on top of a pillow, straddle, and hump away! Or if you’re like me and like to make your job unnecessarily hard, tie your wrists together behind you, lay stomach-down with your butt in the air, and wield the toy from that angle --- that’s when his length really comes in handy for reaching your clit.
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| In this one, he's asking me back to his sex dungeon after a couple of drinks. |
Yesterday I stuck him in me on strong vibration and went at my clit with another vibe, and it was glorious. Several angels harmonized above my bed.
He has ten powerful vibration patterns, although I just stick with the first three buzzes because intermittent pulsation doesn’t do much for me. Although I’m looking forward to experimenting more with different pulsations while he’s inside and another vibe is out.
My only complaint would be that the batteries needed replacing rather quickly. But I will forgive my sweet Barney, because he loves me so well. As for the two complainy-pants on the Babeland website, I don’t know where they’re looking because it definitely comes with a 1-year warranty, so if it’s faulty, get it exchanged! And if he starts struggling, Barney may just need some new fuel.
He’s fifty bucks, which is the most I’ve ever spent on a sex toy. But size, form, texture, and power make it all worthwhile. Not to mention sweet, sweet grade-school love. I love you, Barney; you love me. We’re a great big (incestuous) family.*
*reference to Barney theme song, I'm not into incest.
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